Phat Pik and his uncle.

Dear Phat Pik,

Let me start by offering an apology for not attending aunty Mavis’ birthday party last night. It’s just that I’ve been experiencing some serious problems with my car since the Lions arrived in the country. Matters seem to take a turn for the worst last night when my (SARU sponsored, of course) jalopy broke down on the way home from training. Luckily Oregan has given me the name of a white mechanic this time, which at least means I can keep taking the bloory thing back until the problem’s fixed. I should be back on the road again tomorrow, or so I hope.. You never know with mechanics.....

So, did you enjoy the game on Saturday? (Dêmmit that reminds me I must still thank Arthrob for scoring you those tickets on the Northern Pavilion!!) Anycase, it was a “lekke” game, hey!! As a coach who’s simply trying to be the best he can be, I can’t really put into words how proud I am of my team. Ok, if you insist, I suppose I can try… Like the mighty Julius Caesar once said: “Vini Vidi Fettucini” (which translates to “we came, we scored, we donnered!”)

Just a pity about Schalk’s “alleged” eye gouge, though.. Schalk assured me he’s innocent, and I stand by him and am convinced he didn’t do it. He said he just lost his balance while hitting the first ruck after kickoff, and before he could say “tutu”, Luke Fitzgerald grabbed his fingers and jammed it in his face, trying to gouge his own eyes!! Schalk was as surprised as the Lions supporters when referee Berdos send him to the bin, and said he really felt sorry for Fitzgerald when the crowd started jeering him. It’s not nice to have a player experience that from his supporters, you know, but then again… it’s rugby we’re talking about here and not dancing, hey…. Speaking of dancing – Bakkies was very emotional after learning of Michael Jackson’s passing on Friday, so he vowed to do a bit of moon walking on the field as a sort of tribute to MJ. Pity one of the Hair Bears had to be in the way at that exact moment...Mind you, the way Andrew Sheridan groped Andries Bekker in the 61st minute you could probably put money on the fact that he’s also a bit of a Michael Jackson fan..

So ja, it’s quite difficult to remain focused and humble at this time. We’ve clinched the series, all thanks to my experience and coaching ability. But to be honest with you I don’t understand why there was ever such a fuss made about Ian Mcgeechan? I mean, to put it in simple, understandable English – Mohamed looked up one sunny morning at the mountain; refused to give in to the warthog and in the end got the ice cream as dessert.... I simply out coached him, Phat Pik!

But, hey.. Do you think he’s congratulated me since? Maybe even take the time to send a sms to say “Pieter, you’re fantastic, and if only I knew how to make super substitutions like yourself it might’ve been different!!! But no, Phat Pik: NOTHING!! It’s a bit like a rabbit that crosses the road safely for 28 times, only to be run over by a 5 ton truck the very next time.. I guess life is not fair..

Ok, probably time for me to get back to the training session and do what I do best. You know, the early frog never catches swine flu..
I’ll ask Arthrob to leave the tickets at the team hotel for you again, just like last weekend.

Keep it real my homey
Your uncle, the champion
P Divvy

• Phat Pik is Big Pik's black cousin... A bit more gangster, but with the same passion..

Hairier moments

If it's not the Stormers running out of puff (yet again..) at Newlands, or the Proteas rolling over against Aussie on day 5 at the Wanderers, it's Liverpool drawing another blank in the Premier League, to only slip further behind Man Utd in the title race. And no, not another goalles draw at Anfield, but this time a 2-0 defeat to Middlesborough. Yip, you heard right!! That's "defeat", and not a so called "respectable" one against another one of the alleged "Big 4" clubs, but to relegation strugglers Middlesborough. Middlesborough!! M-I-D-D-L-E-S-B-O-R-O-U-G-H, for vark steaks!!!!

Add to that a feeling of utter disappointment after a hopeful search on the internet, to only learn that NO other team in our universe (come on, EP's Mighty Elephants.. get with the program!), not even Boudjellal's Toulon ('cause let's face it they currently have just about every "has been" on their books.. ) were willing to make a "Luke-rative" offer for the son-of-Cheeky's services over the weekend.. An offer which promises to take him out of Cape Town forever!! And, to just top it all off nicely, I had to sit through the Carling Cup Final early on Monday morning to see Man Utd win (yet) another trophy this season... When it rains, it pours, hey!!

So, it shouldn't come as too much of a surprise if I'm not too keen on having a yarn about the weekend's rugby, cricket and soccer (sorry... football!) results.

No, instead, I thought I should say something about hairstyles and player images..

WTF?? Hairstyles? Now hold on: You might find it strange that a baldy like myself is willing to go that direction, but all I can say is that it's easy for the mind to go astray when your teams are playing as kak as mine are at the moment!

So, here are some of the hairstyles or "looks" that got my attention over the weekend: (feel free to add some of your own personal favourites, just in case I missed any)

Casey Laulala: Looks more like he belongs in the LA Lakers starting line up these days.

Nick Cummins: All together now: "ta na naa naaah... ta na na na naaah... ta na naah naah naaah!! It's the final countdooooown!" To quote Phil Kearns, the Force Flyer has got the "Europe look" going rather nicely!

Luka Modric: Ok, Kane has given me loads of abuse in the past for saying "I don't mind Tottenham", so it's nothing against Spurs, BUT can somebody please tell the little Croatian nobody takes a guy with an alice band seriously!! Never! Just look at Nathan Bracken.. I'm sure he would've made the test team on a regular basis if it wasn't for that ridiculous look.. Only Schalk Burger might be able to pull that one off if he wanted to, and only just....

Aaron Lennon: Another Spurs player... Can someone please explain the "Vanilla-Ice-GT -stripes-in-my-eyebrows" look? Wasn't that "hip" and "cool" in 1989?? Co-incidentally also the last time Liverpool won the league....

Taniela Moa and Benoit Assou-Ekotto: Moa might be playing for the Blues, but he caught the eye along with his fellow "braid"brother, Assou-Ekotto at Spurs. (what is it with Spurs and dodgy hairstyles??). Moa is a 108kg scrumhalf/half back, so I wouldn't dare making fun of him, but it's no wonder Assou-Ekotto is such a dreadful defender... Should come as no surprise, really... He probably doesn't have any energy left to run around on the field after platting his hair before a match.

Schalk Burger: Nothing bad to say about The Schalk's look. Was just wondering if I'm the only one who noticed a massive dip in form since he shaved his hair? A case of Samson losing his strength, perhaps?

Till next time

Big Pik

SA Rugby's future?

Arum Lilies on top after Zuma magic

Big Pik
12/07/2010 07:36:47 AM – (Equatorial Guinea)

Ex president Nelson Mandela (oops, sorry –Rholihlahla… don’t wanna upset Dr Nokuzola Mndende..) isn’t the only one who can inspire national sport teams to greatness.
The South African president, Mr. Jacob Zuma, (sorry, wasn’t too sure if he’s been awarded with a doctorate?? Well, pretty sure he’s not a medical doctor… not after the whole “I took a shower” episode.. maybe a plumber then?), weaved his magic wand in Equatorial Guinea on Saturday, inspiring the Arum Lilies to a 10-5 victory in the process.
Although the victory helped secure second spot in their qualifying group, it was a case of ‘too little too late’ for the Arum Lilies, as they can no longer qualify for the African Cup, which will be held in Kenya during September.

Zuma, who was on an Official State Visit to Equatorial Guinea to commemorate their Independence, managed to clear his busy schedule to support the Arum Lilies in Malabo.
“We were so proud when he walked into the changing room. His mere presence inspired us to give our best out there today!” the Arum Lily captain, Luke Watson said afterwards.
Watson, playing in his first competitive match since rupturing his "human rights” (again) earlier this year, said he was just “so chuffed to finally complete a match without any sporadic vomiting”.
Right wing(er), Jannie Malherbe (the only so called “quota player” in the team) managed to break the deadlock with a try at the end of the first half, after a fine piece of individual brilliance by Watson.
It was the Arum Lilies’ first try in 3 matches, after previous scoreless efforts against Sierra Leone, Nigeria and Libya.

“I am very happy with the performance” an elated coach Zola NoNo said afterwards.
“It was an extremely physical battle, and a more inexperienced outfit might’ve struggled to deal with the distractions we had to put up with before the match” NoNo said.
The coach was referring to an incident which occurred only moments before the match was scheduled to start, when referee Marius van Zyl had to withdraw due to an injury he picked up during his warm-up. The injury to the referee nearly led to the cancellation of the match, as earlier in the year a decision was made at the African Rugby and Soccer Expo (A.R.S.E), all future matches "to be officiated by dumb Dutchmen only."
Luckily for NoNo and his team, Francois Pienaar – “the dumbest Dutchman of them all” was in the crowd, and he was able to take the whistle, and the match commenced after a delay of only 22 minutes.….. (phew!)

The Arum Lilies now have a 3 week break before they’ll play in a friendly match against Namibia in Cape Town. This fixture replaces the originally scheduled international against Romania in Bucharest, which was cancelled after visas could not be secured for players, management staff and SABC personnel.

South Africa - Try: Jannie Malherbe. Conversion: Luke Watson. Penalty: Luke Watson.
Equatorial Guinea -Try: Precious Mbatha.
Man of the match: Luke Watson
Attendance: 541

Double standards, double adaptors en double agents...

Nee, dis NIE die naam van Steve Stofsuier se nuwe album nie.. Ek kannie aan 'n opskrif vir die blog dink wat pittig en skerp is nie... Ek's sommer vandag net die moer in... Dubbel die moer in, dan seker!
Wag, laat ek dan seker maar probeer verduidelik...

Sien, die Crusaders het mos die Super 14 gewen... En nee: Dis nie waaroor ek moerig is nie.... Of, ek sal ook nie juis sê ek het op en af gespring Saterdagaand toe die eindfluitjie geblaas het, en die Crusaders spelers en supporters begin feesvier het nie.. Dit was omtrent so aangenaam om te aanskou as JP Nel "in full flight" daar op Loftus. In fact, die mees opwindendste deel van die celebrations op AMI Stadium die naweek, was seker toe daai perd uitgefreak het, en om die veld begin hardloop het!!!! Only in Christchurch, I tell yous!! (alhoewel ek gehoor het indien daai perd van Pretoria was, hy na die tyd op die dwarslat sou geklim het met 'n "Horses Rule" t-hempie aan...)

Ek het nie 'n probleem met die Cruaders nie. Die beste span het gewen. Wat my wel die *&^%$#^% ingemaak het, was toe ek die koerante oopgeslaan het Sondagoggend, en Richard Loe se indrukke van die finaal moes opeet. Oukei, dan: dit het my dubbel die *&^%$#^% in gemaak!
Ou Loe'tjie mention die vlge:
"The Super 14 final was a brilliant game of rugby, I thought, with the defences very good"

"It was a very Robbie Deans win. By that I mean, they played to their pattern and had faith in it. Deans and his team structured how they were going to play and they stuck to it - and that meant not going wide all the time but turning the ball in and keeping it and dominating territorially."

Dis sulke eenogigheid, wat my die moer in maak... Dubbel die moer in...

Dis nie dat ek NIE saamstem met daai ex-vuilgat speler genaamd Loe nie!! Ek het die finaal baie geniet. Dit was "close", spannend EN opwindend.. Hel, dit het selfs 'n dropgoal ingesluit!!! Is dit nie "what finals footy is all about" after all nie?

Nee, kyk: wat my wel grensloos geirriteer het, is die feit dat die NZ media nou ewe skielik nie genoeg kan kry om komplimente uit te deel aan die span wat die wedstryd gewen het, deur (1) baie/meeste balbesit weg te skop nie - sure, noem dit dan "tactical kicking", (2) uit en uit ingestel of bereid was om die opposisie die bal te gee, en te wag dat hulle foute maak in hulle eie halfgebied nie, en dan (3) low en behold ook nog so ver te moet gedaal het as om 'n skepskop oor te klits nie.....

Huh?? Nou wat nou? Is dit nie dieselle media wat die Engelse (en die Bokke dan ook!!) in Oktober laasjaar so verskriklik uitgevreet het oor hulle spelstyl in die World Cup nie?? Was dit nie dieselle media wat gesê het die World Cup Final tussen die Springbokke en Engeland was "boring", en het mislik as skouspel nie?
Snaaks hoe sienswyse kan verander in 'n paar maande as jou eie span aan die wenkant is... 8 maande terug het hulle nie gesê Jake White se Bokke "played to their pattern" in Parys nie... Nee, alles was mos vergete toe die AB's hulle name so gat gemaak het twee weke voor dit reeds teen die Franse daar in Cardiff...

Die Crusaders verdien hulle 7de Super title! Maar, menere Loe en kie kan gerus maar 'n slag die swart oogklappe afhaal... Double standards, double adaptors en double agents... Dit maak my die ^&^%$# in.... Dubbel die ^&^%$# in!, sê ek julle!

The more things change....

New year...
New season...
New rules...

In the build up to the start of the 2008 Super 14 season, it was the acronym ELV's (that's Experimental Law Variations, just in case you holiday'ed on Mars the last couple of weeks...) which got a regular mention in the newspapers, and (for a change) not one of the Stormers squad members promising their supporters they "will definitely do better this year", or that "their tight 5 will outmuscle the Bulls in the opening game" (mmm... say what?)

So, it was with great interest and excitement I packed down in front of the tv last Friday night, when the Crusaders kicked off against the Brumbies. "I wonder what effect these rule changes will have on the game?, or "Do you think it will change the game completely?" were just some of the questions running through the mind as the game got under way...

But, after the completion of round 1, I'm not really convinced these "new rules" will in fact change anything. For me, things already have an all too familiar look...

- All the opening games were plagued with handling errors, and failed miserably as a spectacle. Just as disappointing as last year's opening round.

- The Crusaders are already sitting on top of the log. They scored 4 tries in pretty tough playing conditions in Christchurch (ok, the Brumbies are rubbish, but still...) , and it didn't look like they even had a Christmas break..

- The Blues got off to a flyer in Auckland (just like last year...), and David Nucifora are saying they "want to win the competition". No way, Dave!! And there I was under the impression the other teams only play for enjoyment! (Well, if you look at the Stormers......)

- The Chiefs (yet again!) lost their opening game. Will a poor start (yet again!) to the campaign prove costly at the business end (yet again!)

- On paper, the Hurricanes really promise so much. Pity they were just awful on the field against the Waratahs...

- Matt Henjak got sent home from South Africa.. Ok, this time he was actually involved in a punch up outside of the Republic, but still... Some guys never learn!

- Kobus Wiese still sports the same hairstyle..

- The Stormers simply can't buy a victory against the Bulls.. That's their 4th straight defeat to the Bulls in the Super 12/14

- South African teams are the kings of aimless kicking, and have absolutely no "respect" for the ball.. Sure, the collisions at Newlands were massive, and the atmosphere electric, but was all that "tactical" kicking by both teams really nescessary? And then we say England are boring...

- New rules/old rules.. Doesn't really matter. The Bulls showed those 5 - 10 minutes before and after halftime are still crucial in a rugby match when Habana went over in the corner, to start the Bulls comeback.

So then... The more things change, hey... The more they stay the same, I reckon!

ps - Ek suppose ek moet seker se "Geluk Bulle..." eish!

We're gonna party like it's 1995!!

Ok, fouks.....
This will be quick! I'm already kakking in my pantsh, and the final is still ages away..

First up, no matter how much we love to knock the English, you've got to congratulate them on reaching the final. I know it's a silly cliche, but it's game on now and "anything can happen in a final." They've played to their strenghts, even if it means boring half the world to death in the process... But, I'm sure Brian Ashton and co are not exactly having any sleepless nights about not entertaining people along the way..
A big chunk of his squad have also got experience from playing in the 2003 final. They've been there, done that already.
So, then, you might ask: What have the Boks got to offer?? All they have nowadays are distant memories of 1995, 'ol chap!!!"

But, hold your horses, my chaaina!! Maybe, just maybe 2007 is the "new" 1995 for the Boks. If you think about it, there are quite a few similarities...

1.) Os du Randt. Os-some... The big Ox... He was there in '95 for the Boks with the number 1 on his back, and will pack down again on the loosehead for a final time on Saturday.

2.) The Pienaar factor... In 1995 the Boks assistant coach was a man named Gysie Pienaar. His son, Ruan, will play off the bench for the Boks this weekend...

3.) The '95 team had a guy named Francois in the starting line up... Maybe Steyntjie will also be remembered as an icon in years to come?

4.) The darling in the '95 team was Chester. Funny how the talisman of the Boks 2007 World Cup campaign also plays in the number 11 shirt...

5.) Just like in '95, the Bok fullback is a Shark. If Andre Joubert is referred to as the Rolls Royce of fullbacks, Percy must surely then be like my very first car, a 1974 Datsun 120 Deluxe: Sure, they both look a bit dodgy at first glance... Both have copped a fair amount of abuse from my mates over the years... But, along the way, I luckily realised they're both awesome value for money!

6.) And lastly... In '95 the scrum half was a Blue Bull, and the flyhalf a Shark.. Go Fourie and Butchie!!

I know, I'm clutching at straws here....
Go Bokke! Make us proud!

Put a sock in it!

After making a fool of myself last weekend by getting the quarter final results so terribly wrong, I thought it would be best for all of us if I'd rather stay quiet this week.. If only these guys did the same:

"They looked like they didn't want to play. They were shocked. They were kicking too much and giving 50/50 passes. If the opposition kept the ball more in their hands and ran with it, I'm sure they could have scored a few more tries. They looked like they wanted to run into their cave, they didn't know what to do. I didn't see much talk from their senior players and in the end I guess they were just shocked with the pressure on them." mmmmmmm... You'll be surprised to know that these remarks do NOT refer to the All Blacks, but that these comments were indeed made by NZ's very own Joe Rokocoko, after his assessment of France's performance against Argentina in the opening game. (NZ Herald, 11.09.2007)

"This forward pack is infinitely better than the one he produced in terms of power, skill and confidence and if Eddie is in the Springbok camp it will give the Wallabies more incentive and determination in saying 'Eddie this is a big mistake' " Alec Evans, the skills coach and "scrum doctor" of the Wallabies, on the Aussie pack in the post-Eddie Moans era. (Super Sport Zone - 31.07.2007) Sjym, Alec....

"In the England test we were outmuscled, outweighed, outskilled and we just weren't good enough." Guess who?? None other than Donut Dunning.... The only problem is that he uttered these words in an interview on May 14, 2007, and surprisingly NOT after last weekend's humiliation in Marseille. Nope, Fat Matt was actually referring to the 26 - 16 defeat to England at Twickenham, on 12.11.2005!! One would've thought that nearly 2 years later, they would have tracked down two props in Aussie who knew how to scrum.... Guess not!! (and Matt: are you sure they outweighed you guys????)

"France pose absolutely no threat to the All Blacks" NZ Herald's regular big mouth, Chris Rattue on Wednesday, 03.10.2007

"So an apparal conspiracy and a delayed coin toss to decide who wears the alternate strip have stepped in to fill the build-up breach.
Not that it matters, because the All Blacks could play in sackcloths and they'd still stomp all over France.
One thing is for sure. With Laporte in charge, All Black supporters can already break out the wine, and those who have travelled to the tournament can even break out bottles of wine with Laporte's logo on them." Still Chris Rattue.... And then they still wonder why the rest of the world enjoyed their defeat to France??

"We do all hate England. All I'm doing is stating the bleeding obvious. No one likes England" Somebody forgot to tell Wallabies rugby boss, John O'Neill, that the world's also not that crazy about his lot... Any case, did Brian Ashton's team need any more motivation??

"It's been phenomenal. They believe they're the best young sporting team that ever stays in their hotels, the most open and friendly and easy to get along with" mmmmm... Someone forgot to tell Ted Henry about Dougie's antics at the Heathrow Hilton, upon their arrival in Christchurch.. DOH!!

"There was drink involved" You don't say, Dougie?? And there I was thinking you just jump on cars for the hell of it...

"For me personally, I don't think we should show them any respect" Jaques Fourie before the Springboks quarter final clash against Fiji.. I bet at 20-20 these guys had your undivided attention, Jaques'ie!!!

"All Blacks by 15 points" Big Pik on 04.11.2007....

"Wallabies to take this one with 7 - 12 points" The same useless, Big Pik......

So, then: Any predictions this weekend?? ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!

Go Bokke!